So today at Starbucks with my mom, I bought a Root Beer Jones Soda. I love Jone's soda caps with their fortune teller sayings. Mine today made me stop and think. It said, "The longest journey is started by a single step, take it". I plan on doing this now. Right now, the only thing I can think of my life being is full of regrets. I can't say I regret everything, the people I loved, the ones I lost. I just regret my choices. I've been regretting them for a very long time. I never meant to fall in love with Tom, I never meant to like him, I never meant to make his previous relationship to fail. I do not, however, regret going out with him, saying the things that I felt towards him.

The day I moved was the hardest day for me, more than I ever thought. I didn't expect to cry. That's how love tricks us. I woke up that morning excited to move. I was going to move to a greater place, a better home where no one could ever hurt me again. I wanted to get out and start my new life. I regret thinking this. I regret being a pro-changer. I love change. So, Tom skipped school that day. I was perfectly happy. I was like, "Yes, I'm going to move and going to spend the last day here with my boyfriend." I wasn't even caring how he felt. For the last hour or so, we laid on my Aunt and Uncle's couch together. Then it hit me. I felt his heart beating fast then slow, like if it was failing right in my arms. I started to cry, I couldn't believe that this was actually going to happen. I was leaving the only person who ever saved me from them, the only person who really knew how bad it was. I was going to go from seeing him 24/7, to hardly ever. I broke down. We went to his car, and he gave me some gifts; a letter, and his favorite movie Zoolander. He also got me some Vitamin Water, and candy. I read the letter, and I couldn't stop crying. I was loosing a love I could never replace. I got into the car and I couldn't even look at him and wave him goodbye. I held my face and drowned myself in my tears. I never expected my reaction to be like this. I knew I was going to see him again, I knew we were going to be together again. Why was I acting like this? I knew I wasn't going to be with him as much as I used too, I was going to loose the feeling of happiness I had when I was with him. That day was the worse day of my life. I cried in the airport, I cried on the plane, I cried in the car, I cried in my sleep. For 5 whole days I did nothing but cry.

Although I loved Tom so much, I need time to recover from things said to me while I was moving. Stuff that went on. I knew Tom missed me, I missed him a lot too. I never showed that I did. I kept cutting him off trying to have time to myself to think about things, to cope, to recover. I regret being so selfish. I should of gave Tom more of my attention. Then maybe other issues would of never arose. He needed to understand what I was doing, he wouldn't of understood, so I never told him. Then he started accusing me of finding another boy in Washington, or that I was going to cheat on him. I would never ever in my life to even think about that. He made me feel worse of course. I didn't need him accusing me when I was trying to be okay and understanding why some thing were said when I moved from California. I kept thinking, "He loves me, he'll understand that this is how it's going to be for awhile." I wish I could of showed him more attention, told him things that I only told him after the fact. Then maybe, just maybe, he would of understood.

October 5th, was probably another worse day ever. I always have the worst birthdays of my life, it's been a curse of mine, since as far as I could remember. It started October 5th, close to midnight. Tom was in one of those miserable moods where he was going to take it out on me to make me feel bad. He did, he did the last accusing I was ever going to take from him. It was so hard to take all these, "Oh my God! You're going to be 18! Happy Birthday!" and be grateful to them while I was having Tom making me feel like crap the day before my birthday. I just left him online and went to bed, there was no way I was ever going to have this. So October 6th happened. What a day of stress. I had the whole day to myself, and what a beautiful day it was too. My mom, brother, and I went out to Pagliocci's to eat. Then, out of the blue, Tom texts me saying "all I need is the boarding pass, is that it?" and more so on of things like "help me" and of course, I would text him back to call me, I called him numerous times, something about his service didn't allow anything to go through. So I was so stressed I couldn't even think. My mom called the airport to make a page for him to get the phonecall, he didn't get it. Then, she called to make sure he was boarded on the plane. Then finally he was boarded. I still couldn't relax, just everything from that night before, and this. I was literally about to explode. Then I met the waiter. He completely made up for my birthday, even though they weren't allow to sing, he sung for me, and try to give me free cheesecake. I even told him about how Tom was freaking me out about not making it on the plane. Something he said made me feel so much better, "Well, if you know he loves you, he'd do everything to do to get on that plane." I just replied with a "I hope so". Finally, I waited for him at the airport. I was still so mad, my mom kept telling me, "take it easy on him". Then finally, he came. My heart raced and I couldn't have been any happier. He kissed me a bunch of times and held me so tight and spun me around. If I could repeat that moment forever, I would. It was probably the happiest moment I ever had, it reminded me on how I felt when he asked me out under the lampost on Los Cerritos. I wish I could explain more, but that moment, is clearly indescribable. That whole weekend was perfect. I couldn't of been more myself and happier. Then I had to screw it all up.

To the things I regret most. Jon and Matt. Not many people know about this. I went on this...weird mode, where I felt like I was having feelings for other guys after Tom left. The moment Tom left the airport on the 9th of October, was exactly how I expected to feel when I first left California. I don't recall crying at all. I was so numb, and I wanted to feel like I was loved, since the love of my life left. That's where Jon pops in. Telling me that he loves his 0.6. Best Friend. Helping with my issues. Then numero 2 Matt comes into play after talking so much to Brandon about him and how I still feel sorry for dumping him. Then getting both of them to express their feelings for me. I'm such a manipulator, I hate it. I'm probably the most horrible person in the world because of this. So, I told Tom. Tom went ballistic of how I had feelings for other guys. The weird thing is that, Tom never left me because that he knew that. I think sub-conciously I wanted him to dump me, to leave me, and that's why I made this big deal about Jon and Matt. I regret not knowing before. Now after the fact as I'm writing this, I now know why he didn't leave me, because he still loved me and wanted things to work out. Then, he starte acting like an asshole because of it. Then finally, I broke it off. The biggest regret of my life today, and probably will for the rest of my life.

Why you ask? I've been talking to Tom recently. I never felt so empty in my life, he was my life. I loved him more than I could ever express, I wish I expressed it more. I've been trying to talk and get back together to prove that I can be a better girlfriend for him. Why? I know now how my feelings are for him. You never really know until they're gone right? I thought he was mistreating me, well, maybe he was, but it was also my fault too. It just sucks now, because I realized that, I will never ever have him back again. Have the Tom I loved back. The Tom I called a billion times in Arizona, the one I would stay up all night with, the one who I wanted to run away with, the one who would hold my hand and make me feel like everything will be okay. Now I might in fact be dying, and him, being not in my life anymore. I can't express how much I'm afraid, and how much I wish I could have him here to comfort me...again. I wish I could just say everything how I feel to him. I just can't, the words are locked up forever in me, and I leave him with this. Tonight he told me I killed the Tom I loved. As much as it hit me hard, I realized that I'm in love with something that doesn't exsist anymore, and I may in fact embark on a new journey. Just like my Jone's soda cap, "The longest journey is started by a single step, take it." I will remember this journey, forever. I will never forget the many great things I had, and I will regret the things I lost, for they were truly valuable to me. But now, I have to take a new first step, and once I'm done crying over for the next couple of days, and maybe the last wishes to Tom to try to work things out, which may fail. I will take, my new first step.